shaken

I slipped, slid, spun, and hit a guard-rail on my way to work this morning.
Quite frightening.

I am okay. I didn't hit anyone.

The officer that came to help me was very kind, and helped me to get straightened back around.

My grandparents (of course) came too.

I went on my way with a scrapped-up, but drivable vehicle.

My coworkers said, "You look, white as a sheet."

Yes, it was scary.
A wake-up call. A reminder of fragility.

I'm still a bit shaky.

During lunch, I closed my door and pulled out my knitting to help myself settle down some more.

I feel very humbled and awake now.

Time to be more careful, alert and all the more reason to increase my practices of gratitude.

Some things are just so sudden, and out of our control.



In lighter news,
I'm spending that last part of today, training to be a wanna-be therapist (aka Intern).
It's refreshing.
I'll be able to work with REAL, diverse, local people (and not just MDOC Men, men, and more men).



Four more days until take-off --> NZ.

So, VERY ready.

I'm most looking forward to the simple things: sitting, talking, reading, wandering around and jogging outside.

I'm gonna push aside some of the mess I've created until my return.
Maybe a weekend job to fund a new car? I don't know.
One thing at a time!

a mess. but change is a comin'!

I picked up Karissa last night and recruited her in helping me make some monster-cookie-mix gift jars.

My kitchen floor still displays all the evidence. Neither of my vacuums are cooperating. Everything just needs a good scrub.

In Regards to an update,
This fall has been difficult. Not sure why necessarily.
I think I've tried, but really, I haven't felt like myself.

I've been stretched pretty thin at work and my motivation for school is running on empty.

I haven't exactly been my best self lately, and it shows.

Most nights I call my mom (or my grandma) and complain.

Most mornings I barely put myself together before entering the office.

(I'm not kidding, I've skipped-out on makeup and mascara more this Fall than ever before. a mess.)

I can't remember the last time I blow-dried my hair.

I don't have anything specific to complain about which maybe makes my situation more frustrating.


But, I think I'm getting over it.

Studying "Thanks" with Mars this month has been helpful. Kent encouraged us to continually recite the Lord's prayer and give special awareness to the line: "Give us Today our daily Bread".

I've also been encouraged to write a gratitude journal.

It's helping.

 I am very relieved that it is Thanksgiving week. It couldn't come at a better time. I am so ready for time with family, rest, and communal practice of thanks.

A countdown is also a source of motivation:

I only have 1 (ONE!) more night of class,
1 (ONE!) more paper,
2 (TWO!) more nights of Practicum,
and (THIS IS SIGNIFICANT) 12 more days of Full-time MDOC work.

Thank goodness!


But, probably the biggest countdown is: 3 (THREE!!) more weeks until I am on my way to New Zealand!!
(My mom brought over a suitcase for me to borrow It's getting real!)


This week I am turning in my "Application for Graduation" and my Application for the NCE (aka the biggest exam of my life).


Change is right around the corner and I am eager for it to get on over here.

When I return home in January:
I will be doing MDOC two days a week and Mental Health Counseling/Internship the rest of the week.
I will also be just days a way from turning a quarter-of-a-century old. (not sure what to think about that yet)


But, yes, back to the Lord's prayer...I just need to ask for this day.

look to nature

Yesterday the guys and I were discussing how to prevent relapses.

This included talk about coping skills, self-care and nourishment.

Most agreed that you can't really face life's big challenges well (e.g. recovery), when you have not taken very good care of yourself.

Self-care practices are often the best forms of preventative medicine.

I led the guys through an activity to identify what little, practical  things help them feel most nourished and alive.

I noticed that so many identified self-care items that were relational and also nature-connected. Not such a big surprise, right?



It reminded me of what we learned about on Sunday....

What is Jesus' advice when we are faced with worry?
Jesus tells us to look to nature.

 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[? (Matt 6:26-27)

The vast natural world reminds us that we are not in control, and that is a beautiful thing!
Nature has a way of grounding us and filling us up.


I know that everything is spiritual, but it is such a gift when I am CLEARLY aware of the overlap of my work, school, church, and personal 'lives'!

If I knew..

If you would have told me several years ago that my professional life would look like it does today, I would have likely: a) changed my major and b) freaked out

life is funny. ironic. time changes things.

For example, last-week, I found myself leading a discussion on healthy romantic relationships.
Can you imagine?
Oh my heart. I truly believe that God has a great sense of humor.

The latest news is:

I've been somewhat coerced into leading another group.
That makes THREE groups. I only "agreed" to do one evening (I need to have one weeknight "free" to preserve some sanity and Tues/Thurs are booked for school).

So, beginning tomorrow, I'll be facilitating 10 hours of Group therapy per week.
With ALL MEN.
Did I mention that part?!
Plus fabulous hours of paperwork, of course.

Oh, and my new group? Its already booked with 12 guys.
12!
That's not a "small" group...it's more like a CLASS (of ALL MEN, did I mention that? lol)

I'm a bit nervous to say the least.

But, seriously, I am so blessed to be able to do something that I am passionate about.
Even though most days are filled to the brim with challenges.
Another positive- groups make the day feel like it is going by so much faster than individual appointments.

Last week Wednesday I had one of the best group facilitating experiences ever. I showed up, presented the discussion topic, and they guys took it away.

They stayed on topic. were appropriate. and opened up more than ever before.

It was phenomenal. The power of group-work- it's real folks!
P.S. for counseling friends--- I felt like I was in a Corey-Corey film (without as much of the awkwardness).

Anyway, lift a prayer for me and my nerves around dinnertime tomorrow? Much appreciated!

Grace and Peace.

a posture of awe & wonder

Plato:

“Philosophy begins in wonder”


Abraham Joshua Heschel:

“The beginning of our happiness lies in the understanding that life without wonder is not worth living.”  

“Wonder rather than doubt is the root of all knowledge.”  

“Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement. ....get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is phenomenal; everything is incredible; never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed.”

“Wonder or radical amazement is the chief characteristic of the religious man's attitude toward history and nature.”  

Toronto Immersion

The past weekend was FANTASTIC.
I smiled and laughed so much more than I have in quite a while.
The four days we spent in Toronto for the TIFF felt so good.

I met many new people and learned more about those previously known as acquaintances.
A very passionate, smart, witty, creative group of young adults.

Highlights:

THE FOOD. (Basically, I spent more than I ever do on a month of groceries)
-  Auth. Indian dishes
- Spanish Tapas
- falafel
- french almond croissant and teas
- holy basil chicken w/ crispy mee krob lettuce wraps
- coconut curry squash soup

THE FILMS. (these are just the six that I experienced)
- How Strange to Be Named Federico: Scolo Narrates Fellini
- Burts Buzz
- The Square
- The Promise
- Oktober November
- Bad Words

THE PLACES.
We walked from morning 'till night. Thursday evening, we happened to come across a fantastic jazz orchestra in a little pub. Friday night we attempted to go up in the tower (failed).
We wandered, and wandered some more.
We watched the sky and the sights on top of our hostel at night and chatted about the films and themes floating through our minds.
A cute french man made my day with his compliments as I nibbled my delish croissant in the sun.
I felt fashionably inferior in the massive Eaton Center (and then purchased a grey H&M scarf to make myself feel more legit).
Saturday night we found ourselves watching killer improv at Second City. Loved it!

In connection with the series at Mars, we were prompted to keep this prayer fresh on our minds as we explored the city and engaged with the films:

Here I am.
Here you are.
Here we are together.

equals

 

"Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."

 

-- Pema Chodron

 

 

 

Just something that I'm thinking about as I begin Counseling Practicum!

Disclosure

Brene Brown's Checklist for deciding whether or not something is appropriate to disclose through books, blogs, fb, ect:

 

 

Why am I sharing this?

What outcome am I hoping for?

What emotions am I experiencing?

Do my intentions align with my values?

Is there an outcome, response, or lack of response that will hurt my feelings?

Is this sharing in the service of connection?

Am I genuinely asking the people in my life for what I need?

 

 

 



Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly (pp. 162-163). New York, NY: Gotham Books. 

here.

You will find stability at the moment when you discover that God is everwhere,

that you do not need to seek God elsewhere,

that God is here,

and if you do not find God here it is useless to go and search elsewhere

because it is not God that is absent from us,

it is we who are absent from God...

This is important because it is only at the moment you recognize this

that you can truly find the fullness of the Kingdom of God in all its richness within you.

 

Metropolitan Anthony Bloom

oddities

I've developed a weird behavior.

For the last several months, when I lay down for the night and should immediately drift off to sleep...I don't.

I grab my phone and read the news: Mlive, Huffpost, and sometimes ABCnews (in that order).

Then, something related to what I read will usually pop into my head, so I'll wikipedia that. naturally.

This starts a crazy cycle of wikipedia'ing all sorts of things....my craziness continues 'till my eyes become heavy (usually between 12:30 and 1 am), or I can't think of another thing to "look up" at the moment.

So wierd. So exhausting.
Yes, I learn a few things, but really, I need sleep more than I need random bits of information.

Not sure why I started all this, but it needs to stop!
I am questioning my neurotic tendencies. lol.

Carry on Warrior

I took in this book throughout the week. If it hadn't been from the library, it would be littered with underlines from cover to cover. Thankful for another fresh voice!

Here are some lines from Glennon that resonated with me:

"That's how you can tell that your'e filling yourself with the wrong things. You use a lot of energy, and in the end you feel emptier and less comfortable than ever."

"Since brokenness is the way of folks, the only way to live peacefully is to forgive everyone constantly, including yourself"

"People who need help sometimes look a lot like people who don't need help"

"I like to compare God's love to the sunrise. That sun shows up every morning, no matter how bad you've been the night before. It shines without judgment. It never withholds. It warms the sinners, the saints, the druggies, the cheerleaders--the saved and the heathens alike..."

"It is not my job to fill myself. It's just my job to notice my emptiness and find graceful ways to live as a broken, unfilled human"

 

"When God speaks to you by making your heart hurt for another, by giving you compassion, just do something. Please do not ignore God whispering to you"

 

"I am a child of God, and so is everyone else. We are all on the same side. And so in each new person, I see an invitation to know a new side of God. There are as many sides of him as there are people walking the earth. I think that's why he keeps making people. He's not done telling us about himself yet"

 

"Maybe hostessing is not really about the host, but the guest. Maybe it's a scared spiritual practice because every single person who crosses our doorsteps is a gift, is Jesus really. And each guest has something to teach us if we're present enough to learn. Maybe hospitality is not about my home, or my food, or my lack of stuff. Maybe it's just about soaking people in"

 

"There is beauty to be found in the pain. Life is brutal, but it's also beautiful. Life is brutiful. So I look hard for the beauty"

Restoration

Restoration Living is my new favorite writing blog.

I love the essays and pieces wisdom shared by these insightful folks.

I always feel inspired and more aware after reading an entry or two.

http://vimeo.com/29640483

My Week in Numbers

32 Hours at the Office
27 Typed Pages of Homework
22  Hours in a Classroom
3 liters (approximately) of Tea
1/2 bag of Dark Chocolate

Excuse me while I now go into a minor hibernation......

Seriously though, this week has been good even with this much stuff.

I've really learned a lot in my multicultural class.

Some main points:

- A greater awareness of my White Privilege
- Understanding of how biased the histories are that we teach in schools and celebrate with our holidays
- "Race is the superordinate variable" (my professor stated this approx. 584 times), and you can only be 'racist' towards another if you are already in a state of power above them (compared to prejudice)
- racism is learned, not innate
- How we raise our kids now matters. By age three ALL children in research studies have preferred 'white' dolls/toys and associate more positive attributes to Caucasian faces than those of color. As Rob Bell says, we "want to teach our kids so that they will have little as possible to un-learn" as they get older
- Advocating is the highest form of helping
- History is bent towards inclusion, and its moving forward.
- Oodles of info on the Native American cultures and various nations
-  Specific implications for working with Asian American Populations

Fingers Crossed that I get a Nice overall grade. (This dude is incredibly tough). So glad to be done with it and be able to sustain a bit more Sanity in my life!

1.5 Classes left to go!!

baby brother growing up

Connor.....The GRADUATE!!

Connor graduated on Sunday...So, exciting!

I'm thrilled....and honestly relieved :)
I think he is ready to try new things, and this excites me!

I've probably been a bit of a 'helicopter' sister over the last few years.
I pretty much single-handedly forced him to apply to colleges, paid for the applications, arranged college visits, and lately have been trying to convince him that college is worth the cost/student debt.

He is leaning toward attending Grand Valley for Engineering in the fall.

Oh, Connor...your high school years have been dynamic, lots of change, lots of newness, some loss...So VERY proud of you amidst it all (he graduated with a stellar GPA :), and he has held down an after school job virtually EVERYday since turning 16.

When I went to college, you were still in Middle School. I remember when you and Bradley came to visit me....you boys stayed up all night playing video games with some of my freshmen guy friends.

When I was a junior, you came to visit me with mom the weekend before you moved in with dad--and started going to your new school. I remember....you ordered a 'Banana' steamer from McConn coffee. Who does that?

Now you're so BIG.
Driving your big, black jeep or truck, working with grown-men at your job fixing things (that I could never understand), wearing steel-toed boots, camping, playing loud music, and are constantly on-the-go with friends.

This is a sweet time. Enjoy it Bro. Congrats to you!

These days

These days are full, I am reading in every nook and cranny of time, squeezing in studying at every-turn, trying to get outside whenever I can spare a moment....

This is probably the most challenging academic season I've ever experienced in my life.

It's like I'm training for a marathon (only my physical body is probably getting worse instead of better ;)

I work, study, go to school, drive, read, sleep and repeat.
Most days I wake up and think, "the night's already over, really?" and feel no more rested than when I laid down. It's crazy.

But, you know what?
The feeling I have overwhelmingly is...Awe. This is awesome, and I am so thankful.

- I am thankful for all bits of knowledge that are soaking into my head
- I am thankful that (despite moments of exhaustion) I have the energy to push myself and persevere
- I am thankful that my little car is getting me to all the places I need to be
- I am thankful for my job, and that I can turn 'no-show' appointments into study hours
- I am thankful for a safe home, and my comfy bed to collapse into each night
- I am thankful for my sister and Grandpa up-keeping the yard while I'm gone
- I never thought I'd say this....but, I'm thankful for drive-throughs
- I am SO thankful, for my growing confidence in my skills
- I am thankful (most of the time) for professors that challenge and make your work Hard
- I am thankful for my clients who let me listen to them
- I am thankful for tea (for ever and always)
- I am thankful for routines in my schedule that keep me sane (ie Mars on Sundays)
- I am thankful for laughter (especially at myself...keeps things less serious)

I could (and probably should go on). There is so much goodness in this season of learning for me.
It's really a funny relationship.....Bittersweet (but heavy on the 'sweet' part). Often, I think..."I just want to go home after a day of work like a 'normal' person" or "I just really want to play with my friends" :) I know though, that I will probably look back and think that this is one of the chapter of my life that has really made me "me".

Grateful.
Now, to go study for my Bipolar and other Mood Disorder Dx test....

Tulips

The unseasonably warm weather last Spring was pretty disastrous for the Tulips (resulting in the  unfortunate nick-name "Stem Fest").

This year, the flowers are in their prime for Tulip Time. They are bright, beautiful, bold, and line the streets of downtown Holland. So much fun!

On Saturday night we grabbed dinner outside at Branns (I consumed the "trash can" beverage that includes an entire can of Red Bull). This was my first experience of an energy drink. Wow!

We made it back to Steph's place just in time to grab our blankets and head to a nearby parking lot to watch the opening fireworks show. The weather was sublime. It was refreshing.

Gosh, I am so thankful for Spring and the opportunity to be outside and comfortable.

Knowledge

:the fact or condition of knowing something with familiarity gained through experience or association (2): acquaintance with or understanding of a science, art, or technique


This past semester was a real challenge. Three weeknights of evening class, one online class, one weekly group therapy session and one weekend course really sapped my energies over the past few months.

I also felt like I was constantly reading textbooks and writing endless theory papers.

But you know what?
I am surprised to acknowledge that I am slightly missing all this.
Don't get me wrong--I am trying to enjoy the REST and Freedom of a week off from academia, but it's like I don't even know how to handle myself without the routines of school!

As I am reflecting on the difficulties of this last semester, here are some of the tidbits I learned:

From Theories Class:
--I really zoned in on studying EMDR. Such a bizarre and fascinating technique. I really appreciate counseling skills that blend body and mind experiences, and I'm looking forward to how neuroscience research grows to support or dispute this practice.

From Ethics Class:
--I was reminded of what I already knew..I HATE debate. I dislike unrest, defensiveness and arguing. This class was a challenge in so many ways. We had to discuss, research, and write about some of the BIGgest questions relating to humanity and ethical behavior. I learned that I have good roots, and I can "hold my own" when it comes to areas that I am passionate about. Also, I learned that ethical dilemmas happen literally ALL the time, and awareness of self is the most powerful tool for engaging in the most healthy ways with our diverse world.

From Family Systems Class:
--Whew, this class was a hot mess (very poor instructor professionalism), yet the texts were great. I learned that I am most intrigued by Experiential Family Therapy. Also, I can say with certainty that I CANNOT imagine myself providing couples counseling. not my thing.

From Causes of Addiction Class:
--Well, most of this was old-news to me. But, I did enjoy the up-to-date research on biological findings regarding the causes of substance abuse disorders.

From Motivation Interviewing Class:
--I had already read most of this material, because I took a similar course in undergrad, but I was surprised by the new resources and material that has emerged in just the last few years. Motivational Interviewing is a way of conversing with people, and these skills are something I utilize daily at my current job.

A few more days before returning to it all....
11 more months until graduation (8 of which involve classes)
Mmm, let's do this thang!

Empower

I read about the Self Defense training offered by WAR on Facebook. I decided that it would be a great opportunity for me to learn some helpful things.

I asked my sister, mom,  and friend to attend with me and was turned down :(

So, I turned to my favorite 11 year-old sidekick: Karissa.

I was worried that the three hour training would be too scary and intense for her, but it wasn't.
The girl LOVED it!

The One Light Self-Defense team taught us very practical tips, two types of hits, two types of kicks and a series of ways to get out of specific situations (hair pulling, chocking etc.).

The event was very empowering. I loved being a part of a big group of diverse women: moms, daughters, grandmas, college students.

The training group is based out of Chicago and travels to schools, churches, agencies and African Villages putting on this class. It is their ministry. They only ask participants to donate what they can to the host site. So cool!

The event gave me a lot to think about and some nicely sore muscles to cope with the next morning.

...........................................................................................................................................
The One Light Self-Defense team began as diversified individuals who shared a common interest, as well as experience, in self-defense training. Traveling to the poorest slums in Nairobi, Kenya, where girls face daily physical attacks, the team presented simple self-defense techniques which empowered the girls physically, mentally, and emotionally.

While women in our own communities do not confront these extreme situations on a regular basis, all women are still potential victims. Our goal emphasizes a holistic approach in preparing women to avoid, face, or heal from physical violence.

green

On Saturday, we went to The Curragh Traditional Irish Pub in Holland in Honor of St. Patrick's day.

It was a fun few hours with lots of music. One member of a band impressively played an assortment of bagpipes!

I picked up a 5-pack of these silly little leprechaun hats from the dollar-store and we wore them all night.

Elizabeth said to me, "you look Irish, maybe it's your darker hair", which made me laugh because though I'm predominately dutch I do have some Irish genes too. Just take a look at my Grandparents-- the McIntyre side of the family and the ethnic connection is pretty clear ;)

In honor of the recent Holiday, here are some of my favorite Irish proverbs and Celtic blessings.
Ah, Such rich, pastoral words!

True greatness knows gentleness.

A silent mouth is musical.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand

The tree remains, but not the hand that planted it.

The believer is happy, the doubter is wise.

May the raindrops fall lightly on your brow. May the soft winds freshen your spirit. May the sunshine brighten your heart. May the burdens of the day rest lightly upon you, and may God enfold you in the mantle of His love.

P.S. I never knew that the shamrock was supposedly used by St Patrick to teach about the trinity. Did you?

grace saturated

I've been reading some about food and spirituality (finished Women, food and God) and am in MUCH anticipation for Bread and Wine to be released and delivered to my doorstep.

In our gluttony study, I was introduced to the writing of Norman Wirzaba (note his credentials: Research professor of Theology, Ecology and Rural life at Duke Divinity School---doesn't he just sound awesome?)

I just love this quote:

"Whenever people come to the table they demonstrate with unmistakable evidence of their stomachs that they are not self-sustaining gods. They are finite and mortal creatures dependent on God's many good gifts: sunlight, photosynthesis, decomposition, soil fertility, water, bees and butterflies, chickens, sheep, cows, gardeners, farmers, cooks, strangers and friends...Eating reminds us that we participate in a grace-saturated world" -- Food and Faith

sloth, lazy, rest

I've been trying to learn the difference between laziness and rest.
I always seem to confuse the two.

As we've been studying through the Seven Deadly sins, the lessons on sloth have been good, healthy reminders of where I am putting my 'energies' and where I am finding my rest.

Rob shared,
"Sloth is saying "No" to the endless potentials and possibilities of the life God has given you".

It's kinda like being awake, but not really being present to what's going on around you.

On Saturday morning I awoke at 8 am (typical), and then I decided to 'lay back down'...
I didn't wake up again until about 2 in the AFTERNOON.
So, this means I slept for a grand total of about 14 hours!!
I woke up feeling SHOCKED, confused but also SO rested and calm.
Is there something wrong with me?
Did my body just go into a temporary coma?
What does this mean?

People in my life have been reminding me of the importance of rest.
I'm good at self-care boundaries, yet somehow I always neglect the importance of simple sleep and quiet.

I am slowly seeing how rest is not something to feel guilty about, but a necessary thing that allows me to be more alive and to explore the potentials of this life that God has given me.

sick.

This time the mind-over-matter thing didn't work....

that sore throat I felt comin' on Sunday night had morphed into the full-blown cold/flu by Monday evening.

It hit me hard.

My existence over the last few days has been comprised of long sleep and short wake cycles.

During my awake times, I've laid on the couch watching Alias episodes and have nearly finished knitting a bamboo baby blanket.

You'd be shocked by the amount of tea I've consumed...(side-note, I've started composting and I think my container is literally going to be stuffed with tea bags soon; we'll see how fast they decompose).

I took two hot baths with lavender and Epsom salts. Sick or not, you should probably try this- felt so good. The second time, I had the grand idea to add two teakettles full of boiling water...It took about 30 min for me to be able to submerge myself in it. Not so smart. My skin kinda looked like a lobster.

I really, really wanted to go back to work today, but the dizziness, feverishness and aches just wouldn't let me.

I don't like feeling like I'm missing out on work, on regular life. So unfortunate that I'm missing small group tonight.

But in a way, this is probably somewhat of a blessing in disguise. It is my Spring-Break week and I wouldn't have been able to have this much quiet time without some germs slowing me down.

Middle Zone

"It's like washing dishes. If you focus on getting the dishes done so that your kitchen will be clean, you miss everything that happens between dirty and clean. The warmth of the water, the pop of the bubbles, the movement of your hand. You miss the life that happens in the middle zone---between now and what you think your life should be like. And when you miss those moments because you'd rather be doing something else, your are missing your own life".

-- Geneen Roth in Women Food and God

 

A desire to rush to the future, to the ways that I "think my life should be like" is my biggest temptation right now.

 

~ I want it to be summer

~ I want to be done with school

~ I want a consistent, full-time, salary paying job

~ I want to be married

~ I want to decorate and fill-up my own place with special things and memories

~ I want to pay off my student loans

~ I want to cook, garden and be an awesome homemaker

~ I want to have a family: a baby or two..or adopt...and be a foster parent

~ I want financial stability

~ I want to travel

 

Learning to be patient and to appreciate this moment is hard work for me.

 

I believe in the beauty and power of the present.

I am an advocate for mindfulness, but I still yearn for specific future changes with great energy. I want these things my way and I don't want to have to wait too long.

 

I feel like I've done enough waiting.

 

This 'Middle zone' seems never-ending.

 

During Lent this season we are studying through the traditional Seven Deadly Sins and Holy Virtues. I'm not sure which of these my present condition relates best with (so far we've looked at pride, lust, gluttony, and greed), but this challenge of not taking the present for granted is the theme that I have been constantly bombarded with during this study.

I can't shake it. I am more and more aware of my impatience.

 

So here I am. 

Lord, Thank you for this mysterious day and for your plans for my life. Help me to see the beauty in the 'middle zone'. Help me to trust in you and receive your peace.





balance my sentimental heart

Personal love and birth stories really stir me up. You should probably go read this one. Be prepared to melt.

 

"I am trying to balance my sentimental heart with the one that embraces reality and understands that the present is the most important time."

 

- Kelle Hampton

Quiet and Slow

It's the weekend, and I feel slightly guilty...I am being  unproductive.

Yesterday was slow-going.
I went to meet with Raul for mentoring, but found out that he was out-sick when I arrived.

I had so many no-show/cancellations at work (possibly weather related).

I also had one the WORST clients ever (and I'm not saying this lightly). I am an optimist and try to see the good and humanity in every person, but this guy really stretched my capacity!

Luckily, I had a hair appointment scheduled directly at 5 pm. It was such a relief to get some great Aveda tea and have my hair freshened up (I went dark again...like real dark..it's almost black, but it's semi-permanent, so it will likely fade-out rather quickly).

Next, I got to meet up with Biz and Steph. It was National Margarita Day? and OTB had a 2+ hour wait, so we went down the road to another restaurant. It was refreshing to be able to catch up with them.

I came home and quickly finished up a paper that was due by midnight. I am a last-minute queen!
I went to bed, excited to be able to sleep in and for the possibilities of an open Saturday.

However, I woke up with a major headache (feels like the left side of my head is being squeezed). So, today has been laziness to the MAX.

I watched the documentary, "No Impact Man" and then the entire first season of "The Wonder Years".

I have been laying around and knitting all day (using my favorite bamboo yarn :).

I have a real hard time with feeling like I'm wasting a day away, yet I think my body and mind really needed this quiet and slow time.

It includes YOU.

Can I say it? I really miss working with teenagers. 

 

awake.

It's no secret, this winter has been a hard one for me emotionally.

I have been so tired and have been slumping around in the shadows...away from my passion, energy and sense of wonder.
It hasn't been good.

For days I've gotten up out of bed 45 minutes before my first appointment (in Downtown GR). 
I've taken some pretty quick showers,
dressed in whatever clothes were already strewn around my room,
hopped into my car, combed my hair and applied some necessary makeup..all during my rushed commute.

I love my job, but it too was starting to drain me.
And don't get me started on school! SO SICK of it.

Then came 2 pm on Wednesday afternoon.

I was meeting with someone who has been on my radar since November. I wish I could share with you this person's story, but due to confidentiality, I am learning to hold me tongue.

Let's just say I had an 'Ah ha' moment (cliche, I know).
This person's story of resiliency, triumph and reverence for life despite so much pain..woke me up.
It was shocking, I wasn't expecting it. Especially from this individual.

His perspective had a ripple effect on me...I felt myself become closer to the truth and vibrancy that inspires me.

I told him, "thank you for sharing with me parts of your story. It's amazing."
"Yes, it is" he replied.

I pulled on my boots and went for a walk in the rare Febuary sunshine.
Ah, life. Crazy, mysterious and wonderful. It was here all along.
I'm coming back.

work of art.

Abraham Joshua Heschel's advice to young people:

 

"Above all, remember that the meaning of life is to live it as if it were a work of art. You're not a machine. When you're young, start working on this great work of art called your own existence."

 

circa 1972

Winter White

West Olive via WoodTv8



snow, Snow, SNOW! I love everything about it.

Well, except for driving in it. My sister got stuck last night and my mom didn't make it all the way out of her driveway today. not so fun times.

I passed a one-story-high snowman on the way to work and tried to maneuver my kia around the newly emerged, massive potholes.

Last night was the second Thursday class in-a-row that was cancelled due to the weather. My professor reluctantly cancelled class and then emailed us a handful of extra articles to critique. ugh.

But, what did I do with an extra three evening hours?
cooked a rosa pesto pasta dish with broccoli, made guacamole (I guess I had a weird Italian and Mexican combo going), finished a baby blanket, cracked open a bottle of Cascade Cranberry and watched three episodes of Downton Abbey.

I was slightly sad to wake up and hear about all the school closings, because it meant not getting to meet with Raul this morning. However, I did enjoy getting to sleep-in for an extra hour!

What are you doing this weekend?

I have lots of writing and reading to do, but maybe I'll get to watch my brother snowboard or my cousins ice-skate some.
Typing by the lodge fireplace with a mug o' tea sounds nice.
And then, tomorrow evening is my dad's big 50th birthday celebration at the FOP.
Should be an interesting time.

Lethargy.

For the past TWO weeks I have experienced tremendous trouble in getting myself up and moving in the mornings.

You would think getting out of bed was akin to me preparing to climb a mountain!

It has really been bad...I've been getting really good at procrastinating and sleeping lately. Too good!

My mom says that it's seasonal, but I'm researching symptoms of Mono.

I can't figure it out...I am happy and content but tired ALL the time.

On Thursday I took an unplanned sick/snow day (I'm just getting over feeling guilty about it). I slept until 2pm, chatted with Emilie and then finally got around to doing some homework at 5 pm.

Friday, I went to work, but slugged around most of the day and even talked myself out of going to the gym. Poor choice.

Today I slept for three hours in the MIDDLE of the afternoon.

Jeez, I need to inherit some spunk or something! Maybe I'll try poppin' some more Vitamin D.

Anyone else in a lazy, winter slump?

Stories.

It was Friday night, and just as I was entering the highway on-ramp, I felt myself become overcome with a sense of 'Awe'.

Awe: an emotion variously combining dread, veneration, and wonder that is inspired by authority or by the sacred or sublime (via Merriam-Webster)

A heightened awareness of being human, fragility and the power of our stories.

I've always liked stories. I think everyone does. We can't get away from them.

As I drove through the blowing snow in my little black Kia, I reflected on the fact that I get to listen to the stories of about 20+ different people per week through assessment appointments.

a gift.

Yes, people get to choose what they wish to disclose to me (sometimes its the basic stuff other times its sprinkled with traumas, triumphs and experiences that even Hollywood couldn't make-up).

I feel overwhelmingly humbled- I get to hear abbreviated tellings of so many different lives.
I mean living, breathing, imago dei people.

I think that I am just beginning to understand the power of sharing one's stories.
I think that I am just waking up to the profound allowance it is for me to hear so many of them.

This seems to be some sort of spiritual work.
In unexpected (at least for me) ways, my job is moving my beliefs into solidified knowledge.

I know that there is something more, something greater.
There just has to be.

The people that share bits of their lives with me probably don't all share the same faith that I do, and that is okay.

All these stories are greater testimonies to me that:
this God that I am choosing to be more intertwined with
has greater stretching love and mysteriousness than I will ever comprehend.

Little Piece.

Several weeks ago I watched the film, "Beasts of the Southern Wild" at Wealthy Street Theater with the 'Adding Angles' Crew.

Wow, this movie is touching, eccentric, and thought-provoking.

The story centers around an imaginative 6 year-old, known as Hushpuppy, who lives in the 'Bathtub' Community. The Bathtub is a fictional place based on the actual areas in Louisiana that are located below the water levies. This community has contently resisted modern culture in many ways. Hushpuppy encounters immense fears: the pending flooding of the Bathtub and the terminal illness of her single-parent father.

Favorite quotes from the film:

"The whole universe depends on everything fitting together just right. If one piece busts, even the smallest piece... the entire universe will get busted" - HushPuppy

"When it all goes quiet behind my eyes, I see everything that made me lying around in invisible pieces. When I look too hard, it goes away. And when it all goes quiet, I see they are right here. I see that I'm a little piece in a big, big universe. And that makes things right. When I die, the scientists of the future, they're gonna find it all. They gonna know, once there was a Hushpuppy, and she live with her daddy in the Bathtub" - HushPuppy

Oh, this little actress deserves ALL the awards that she has already won. So much talent!

Recap and Prep

Whew, It has been a while since I wrote anything down on here! Fall 2012 was full and good:

- Began working as a Sub. Abuse therapist at Catholic Charities WM with MDOC clients

- Completed 12 more credits of my Master's program (received all A's ;)

- Began mentoring a fun 5th grader at Burton Elementary School through Mars Hill Kids Hope

- Continued serving with the 2-yr-olds on Sunday mornings at Mars

- Played in Lauren's engagement video and watched with Bittersweet feelings as she moved back to Chicagoland!

- Chelsea moved back in, and we've begun the interesting adventure of two 20-something sisters living together again.

The fall semester ended in early December, and I have so ENJOYED the past weeks off from classes so much:
- Being able to come right home after work (and change into sweatpants)
- Time to cook
- More time for friends
- More time for crafts
- More time for reading
- More time for SLEEPING

Tomorrow it is back to the craziness again...My schedule will look something like:
(I write this in order to help myself remember!)

Monday
  7 am GYM 8:30 am - 5 pm WORK 6 - 9 pm CLASS
Tuesday
  7 am GYM 8:30 am - 5 pm WORK 6 - 9 pm CLASS
Wednesday
  7 am GYM 8:30 am - 3 pm WORK 4 pm GROUP COUNSELING
Thursday
  7 am GYM 8:30 am - 5 pm WORK 6 - 9 CLASS
Friday
 7 am GYM 8:30 am MENTORING 10 am  - 5 pm WORK
Saturday
 sleeping, homework, cleaning, friends
Sunday
  PPier, church, homework

[ We shall see how long and how often the 7 am gym thing lasts ]

Tonight I will enjoy ordering 100s dollars worth of textbook and getting out my backpack (joking!)

But really, I am grateful for this season and for all the learning and opportunities that I encounter.